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Friday, 24 October 2008

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Wednesday, 05 September 2007

Currently Listening
I Need You/You Need Me
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Can't Sleep...

It's amazing how tired you can be and actually have time to go to bed early...then you can't sleep...I guess my man was right when he said it's bad to exercise right b4 you go to bed! Sorry, sweetie! :(

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I want to know when I became so selfish!! I mean, I know it started a while ago when I didn't feel like anyone appreciated me, but I hadn't realized how bad I'd gotten...I did things so selflessly and was able to be so humble...

Then I realized that it's okay and healthy to be a bit selfish and take care of yourself...but I guess I liked the feeling of being selfish so much that I can't seem to find my way back to being selfless...It's not that I literally want something in return, but I like to be appreciated, as anyone does. When all of a sudden everyone in my life seemed to only think of themselves and what THEY thought was right I was pushed aside...and I am SICK of being unappreciated!!! I guess that's why I became selfish...it started off healthy and just taking that extra time for myself every now and then and doing what's best for me, not trying to please everyone else...but unfortunately I am not just selfish for time to myself...I'm selfish in general. I guess the whole "Christian community" thing just wasn't working for me...it seemed like even the most "Christian" of people weren't being Christians...weren't being appreciative of the hard work and effort I put in to help make their lives easier or happier. I love to do things just for the smile on their face, but somewhere in there I lost that joy...it was like it was just ripped out of my hands. The little things I did didn't make people smile anymore...well not for real anyway, I was being taken for granted...not that it's an excuse, but I can see why I became so selfish. I know I'm not the most amazing person in the world and I'm not trying to say that I was so fabulous everyone should praise me or anything...but I always go that extra mile for my friends, or even people who aren't my friends and not even those who claim to be my bestest friends do the same for me anymore. My friendship and loyalty was being taken for granted and I decided I was going to do something about it...but I guess I went a little far...

NOW the TOUGH part!!!!!

I need to change...I need to be less selfish and so much more selfless. I need to find that humble heart in which I do things for the joy of others and God rather than myself. In order to do that, I have to do something that my fiance so frequently reminds me of... "LIGHTEN UP!!!!!!" (Contrary to popular belief, I DO listen to what he says!)

I grew up thinking that everything had to be so perfect...part of my perfectionism, but also in my family. I love my family dearly, but I think we can all be too serious and forget to just let life flow. I felt pressure coming from so many directions to be a certain type of person for each direction that I HAD to be serious to even attempt to keep up. I used to be so care free and easy going, but over the years as life got tougher, so did I. Instead of just relaxing and forgetting the worries of the world every now and then...I dwell on them ALL the time, which is not only stupid, it's unhealthy.

I think that if I learn to lighten up a bit and relax, my selfishness will fade too. Along with some good God time and prayer, I really think I can make this change...

I have really been thinking a lot lately about life and what it's all about for me right now...and it's simply about myself, God, and continuing to strengthen my relationship with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. In order to be happy and content...I need to change some things. Starting with lightening up, and then learning how to be selfless again and gaining that humble heart back again. I know I've gotta have more to change...but one thing at a time now folks! I'm not super-woman!! ;)

Everyone always told me I had such a huge heart...but anymore it's not the heart I want it to be, so I'm going to continue to search for the heart I want and the heart God knows I have...

Maybe now that I've gotten out all the things I've been thinking the last few days I'll be able to fall asleep...I guess posting them help me so I can go back to them and remember what I want to change...OH YEA...One other big change...

I'm starting my diet! Tomorrow I really gotta figure out what my actual diet is going to be, but I'm also getting back into exercising. Abs in the morning and evening and at least one walk a day. My fiance suggested that I could even walk the 20 mins to and from work every day which is a great idea and I think I'll try also. In order to be happy with myself...I need to lose some weight and simply feel healthy...and my self-confidence will sky rocket also which would be great.

Anyway...I'm getting a bit sleepy so I'm going to try to go to sleep now...sweet dreams everyone!! :)

Lovies~

Monday, 27 August 2007

K...so this is going to be a mushy post...

Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky...every girl wants to fall in love, every girl wants those butterflies...I fell in love, I've got butterflies...

My fiance left yesterday for 2 months for work...even though he's only 4 1/2 hours away, it feels like 100. I'm so in love with him that I can't even explain it...I get choked up every time I think about love...I can't even remember what it was like before him 'cause everything is just so right with him.

First things first girls...as great as love is, I'm not going to act like it's perfect and flawless, 'cause it's not. There are days when you want to give up, days that make you wonder and maybe even doubt...Falling in love is great, but we always forget the reality of love and life. The reality is...it's WORK! The good things in life don't come easy, we have to work for them, and the same is with love. It takes commitment and effort on both sides for it to be worth it.

Lately, we've been talking and discussing where we are right now in our relationship...the strengths and weaknesses, and I'll tell you what...that communication in itself is a strength. I love him so much more because he was open with me and told me what he was feeling, good AND bad. If we leave out the bad stuff we live a lie and eventually reality hits and it's too late...

I love him...I'm in love with him...

I love his physical strength
I love his emotional strength
I love his sensitive side
I love to hear him talk about his mother
I love to hear him talk about his grandparents
I love to hear him talk about how proud he is of his family in general

I love to see him hurt only because it shows he has heart
I love his big heart
I love how he hides his pain just to be strong for me
I love to see him cry when something upsets him
I love to see him cry because he loves me so much
I love to hear him say that he doesn't want to leave me
I love to hear him say he misses me
I love to hear him say he loves me

I love the way he makes me feel amazing
I love the way he makes me feel special
I love the way he makes me feel beautiful
I love the way he raises his eyebrows to tell me he thinks I'm hot
I love the Joey smile
I love the way he kisses me
I love how he 'romantically' kisses me
I love how he opens the door for me
I love the way he puts up with me

I love how excited he gets about the Packers
I love his intense looks when he's playing XBox
I love how intelligent he is
I love his eyes
I love the way he curls up in a ball when he sleeps
I love how he sprawls out diagonally when he sleeps (even when there's no room for me)
I love the way he puts the moves on me (old school style!)
I love it when he reads my mind
I love it when we finish each others sentences or say the same thing at the same time
I love his fun spirit
I love his forgiveness
I love his gentle heart

I love the way he dresses
I love him in jeans and a t-shirt
I love him in dress pants and a tie
I love how he always does whatever it takes to make me happy
I love how he acts like it's all about me
I love watching him sleep
I love hearing him snore
I love doing the dishes with him
I love shopping with him
I love his excited face when he has a surprise for me...(like the night he proposed!)
I love the way he looks at me

I love his hair long
I love his hair short
I love his beard thingy
I love him clean shaven
I love the way he walks
I love the way he runs
I love the way he motivates me
I love the way he motivates himself
I love the way he dances

I love the way he sings
I love it when he sings to me
I love it when he sings with me
I love it that he'll do kareoke with me
I love it that he'll look stupid just to make me laugh
I love his high pitched laugh
I love his laugh that sounds like he's half snorting, half blowing his nose
I love his odd sense of humor

I love the way he hugs me
I love the way he holds me
I love the way he smells
I love his kids
I love watching him be a dad
I love being a mom to his kids
I love the way he loves me
I love loving him

Saturday, 25 August 2007

Wow, almost a year...it's been so long since I've written, and I'm wondering if that's what I'm missin'. I used to write out my feelings, whether anyone hears or not...I can get it all out. I know God is listening, although I have turned a deaf ear on Him...I am beginning to remember what's missing in my life. That passion for Christ, that passion for a relationship with Him. I'm so happy right now with my life and where I am at...but that one thing that I always turned to in good times and in bad has been missing and I'd like to get it back. I don't know exactly where to start, but I know I need to...God has always been a huge part of my life that it's weird that He's not.

I went through a period of time when I found everything in the faith to be hypocritical and judgmental...it didn't make sense and the Christians weren't acting like Christians...the harder I tried to understand it, the farther I fell back away from what I knew. I will admit I've been a hypocrite to what I've spoken to be my beliefs, but I don't know what all my beliefs are right now...I would like to find out...

So I'm back again to post my thoughts and feelings...but this time not looking for sympathy or encouragment... if it is given it will be appreciated, but I need to do this simply for myself. Feel free to read and even think about the things I say...hopefully somewhere out there someone will be touched by what I am going through and it will help them as well as so many others have done for me in times of trouble. I always have been able to express my feelings well on paper, and I think that it's something I need to continue to do in order to be me again, in order to push aside my anxieties and stresses. I need to write...I need to bring back that part of me that has been missing... so here I am Lord...take and lead me...

Tuesday, 28 November 2006

In His Presence...

Wow!! So, Sunday afternoon I just wasn't myself...I had been having some sort of panic attack all day. It was a physical one, but not mental or emotional...which is not normal. It was good, 'cause I was able to control part of it, but the physical shaking and what not was annoying. I was so weak I felt like I could barely pick myself up, so after church I decided that was gonna change. I realized that I needed God...

I forgot how amazing it was to be in God's utmost presence, how peaceful it is. I went up to Rockwood with my IPod full of Christian songs and my mini Bible in my back pocket and just started running...not sure how 'cause I don't run, haha. But I ran and ran, and ran, and ran, and ran...it was all I could do to stop from crying. I wanted to beat this on my terms, not let my body take over my control. I got to the bottom of the huge hill and just stood and stared out at the lake, it was gorgeous! It was a cloudy day, but oh so beautiful, it was God's lake, God's day, God's clouds...

I began to walk up the hill, felt like I was walking through my life...the constant uphill battle that takes over my emotions, that keeps me from getting anywhere...it seemed as the top was not getting any closer...like I was completely standstill...but moving at the same time...isn't that how life is a lot of the time?!?! We keep pushing, we keep persevering but we don't get anywhere, the end is no where in sight!! So frustrating...eventually I did make it to the top and oddly enough had the energy to keep going.

I went to the other end of the trail on that hill and then just stood there...there were some pretty good songs on my IPod so I just started singing...before I knew it I was running up and down this trail dancing, spinning in circles, raising my hands to God...praising the Almighty and Everlasting God...the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End...not just any God, MY GOD...my Saviour, my God who loves me no matter what!! I danced like NO ONE was watching...prolly looked stupid too, but I didn't care! I was praising God and that was all that mattered. I eventually made it back to the tip top of the hill just before it started to go back down...

I stared out at the lake and the trees and the clouds...absolutely amazing...I fell to my knees and just raised my hands in the air...I sang at the top of my lungs and praised my Lord...I pulled out my Bible and he lead me to a couple of passages; Psalm 136 (HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER) How amazing...just knowing that God's love is forever, no matter what, He loves ME...little 'ole me!! Then Ezekiel 34 (THE SOVERIGN GOD IS OUR SHEPHERD AND WE ARE HIS BELOVED SHEEP) No need to fear, we are safe...God is our shepherd, He leads us in the way we should go, why doubt?!!

I closed my eyes, held my Bible up to the heavens and sang to God...I ended in an intense prayer about life in general, about people in my life that I want to continue a foundation of God in our relationship...I prayed for strength and wisdom...for passion for life and my job...thanksgiving for my family and friends and for the tiniest little blessings I recieve every day of my life!! I got up and ran down the hill...I felt like a little kid running down a hill with her best friend holding her hand the whole way down...and I was...I was holding the hand of my best friend, my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!! He was with me...And I was at peace...

I walked out of the woods with a feeling of content, peace, and understanding. It was a day I'll never forget...I pray that all of you get to experience this, the amazing knowledge of God's love for us. We are so completely unworthy of his love and forgiveness, we are not deserving of this salvation....but we get it anyway! We have all sinned, we all fall short, and Christ died for us anyway...how absolutely amazing is that?!?!?!?! I know I'm in awe...

Take time with our Lord today, He will bless your time with Him more than you could ever expect...

All my love!!

God's Peace Be With You!!!!!